Following Footsteps
by fool of hearts
Summary: He's older now. Too old for teddy bear night lights, too old to be held, too old to stay at home. Yuuta-centric, gen.


**Title:** Following Footsteps  
**Characters:** Yuuta, Fuji  
**Rating:** G  
**Summary:** Yuuta's too old to be scared of monsters, not old enough to fill in footprints his brother leaves behind.  
**Warnings:** None, amazingly. :D  
**A/N: **For LJ's 50scenes, "footsteps"

* * *

He doesn't mean to, but when it's silent and he's alone, Yuuta hears the echo of soft footsteps.

It's the same sound he'd hear in his head as a child, shaking under the covers with eyes shut tight against monsters under the bed, in the closet, outside the door. Aniki (still Onii-chan, then; still the cool Onii-chan all the other kids were jealous of) would always open the door and bring the teddy bear night light. Yuuta always told him he was too old for it, he wasn't a baby, and Aniki would reply that he knew, and that _it's for me, Yuuta – Onii-chan gets scared of the dark, you know? _He doesn't ask for it, but Aniki always spent the night holding him, whispering reassurances in his ear. The whispers drown out the footsteps.

He's older now. Too old for teddy bear night lights, too old to be held, too old to stay at home. He told everyone that he'd left because of rumors and gossip and disappointment that leers at him from behind hands. He tells himself he wasn't running from sounds in his head, hoping the footsteps might go away if he did. And they had, the first few days. Atsushi snores, and St. Rudolph is closer to the city and the streets. He hears cars rushing by and people talking. It keeps him up, but it also keeps the footsteps away.

Once he learns how to tune out the snores and the traffic so that he can actually sleep, they come back. Softer than before, but there, and they're joined by heavy breathing. Aniki's not there to hold him (he'd push him away even if he were), and he sure as hell isn't going to ask Atsushi to. He curls up under the covers though, and tells himself he's not pretending Aniki's arms are holding him tight, Aniki's voice is telling him he'll chase all the monsters away _just for you, Yuuta, because I love you._

When he goes home (for Onee-san's pies, for his mother who misses her baby), he slams doors and turns the music up loud. Onee-san blames his classmates and his mother blames their generation. Aniki (stupid Aniki) blames Mizuki.

Yuuta blames the footsteps that are louder when he's back home. It takes him a few more visits to realize they're not the hard thumps of make-believe monsters that breathe smelly monster-breath down his neck, but the soft padding of Aniki's bare feet on the hardwood floorboards outside his room and his own repressed whimpers that grow louder as he ages and more expectations are thrown at him, too fast for him to catch.

Aniki's small, shorter than him and thinner, but he casts a long shadow. Yuuta aims to surpass him, but he can't even reach him. He doesn't think to go to the side or get out of the sun, because he's not his brother. He looks straight ahead at the goal in front of him. He has to run to catch up, and he's constantly running, muscles straining and lungs on fire.

He used to wear Aniki's shoes to school when he couldn't find his, but they were always a size too big. He liked it though, told himself that he'd grow into them one day like Kaa-san said. And he'd be just as tall as Onii-chan, maybe taller. Onii-chan would leave footprints in the snow, and he'd put his feet in them, told himself that one day, his foot would fit just right in them, grow into those few centimeters, that he wouldn't have to run to catch up to Onii-chan (even though Onii-chan always walked slower so that they could hold hands).

Aniki was always his goal. It was always Aniki's footsteps he'd follow, Aniki's shoes to fill.

Aniki has a slow stride, his walks leisurely, but somehow, Yuuta always has to stretch to reach his footsteps. After so long, it gets tiring, his breathing gets labored, coming out in short pants, but Yuuta's not his brother. He won't quit when he gets tired of it (and he gets tired of it too many times to count).

As long as Aniki keeps leaving the footsteps, Yuuta will always have somewhere to follow.

END


End file.
